Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
