I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
