did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize