And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
