There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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