i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
