News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
