The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
