my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
