i need an iv and a liver transplant
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
