I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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