Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
