You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
