Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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