She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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