Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
