the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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