i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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