RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
