Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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