Im at strip club and am horny
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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