In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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