we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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