Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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