I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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