i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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