Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
