Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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