We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
