So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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