haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
