Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
