Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I believe in your delicious
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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