I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize