Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
