Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
sarcasm needs its own font
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
