All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
