My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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