hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
