I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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