dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
