i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize