onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
