it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
