I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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