me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
