In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
