hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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