I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
