Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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