party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
