he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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