Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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