Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
