I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
