Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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