I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Randomize
